november 2nd, part 2
the problem is i really am in front of my keyboard for a long portion of my day, and i really do spend a lot of time thinking and 'piecing' things together, so if this blog is an expression of that every post will be miles long. today i am making two posts because the other post is already long, and a horizontal rule with a subject break would just add to the chaos. for me. so here is part 2 of today's blog in a whole new post.
am i writing because i want someone to come along and find my writing interesting? am i writing because i want someone to come along and find me interesting? am i writing to have something to do with the free time in my day? am i writing to have something to do with these loose thoughts? now that i think about it one of my original intentions behind the hollow is wanting to understand my inner monologue. the hollow is a space on the web where i hope to discover more about my inner monologue. this blog basically being a random thoughts blog does not devalue it.
so far what i know about my inner monologue has to do with a couple of distinct voices. i always have a song playing in my head, and i cope with stress live in the moment by singing along to it. another voice repeats itself. whatever is being thought by the repeater is repeated. another expression of communication i have noticed about my body, is that when i am selectively mute my index finger will spell words out of plain sight on myself. instead of opening my mouth to answer someone, i will remain quiet and answer to myself. these are all like i said, distinct, which has made noticing them really easy. but there is more evidence of a repertoire of communication styles bubbling out of me, i can feel it and i am dying to know it.
the repeater the other day kept repeating 'closing in' as i was wondering why i haven't engaged in a certain discord recently. i have been invited by others to play with them and be a part of the scene and i desperately want to start streaming and chatting more. but i haven't been and just wondering why presented the repeater's words, 'closing in'. closing in, closing in. closing in. closing in. that is all i have. closing into what. closing away from what. all the repeater wanted to tell me, was 'closing in'.
the index finger speller i call scribe. scribe scribes during mute moments, i can't think of a recent example. in my childhood memory i 'wrote' on my leg with my index finger hiding under the cape basically any time i got my haircut and i was having a hard time socializing with the hair dresser. scribe comes out to write if the moon (in the context of sanctuary) is out, but not every time. moon and sun are outside forces and not a voice of my inner monologue. scribe does not like it when it can't finish a sentence.
the song always playing in my head, i call my mind radio. mind radio has no ads, and actually hates commercial jingles. mind radio takes requests and will change songs at the drop of a hat, but not always. today mind radio has been endlessly playing cosmic love by florence and the machine. i think it's because i've been working on the hollow all day, and the words moon and sun are the connection. mind radio has had a couple of moments (in the past) where the lyrics or lines on repeat were so achingly fitting to the situation or train of thought that it's like mind radio's only access to english is song. the first time i tried to list out what i knew about my inner monologue, mind radio kept playing 'leave us alone, leave us alone' from the song bedlam sticks by diablo swing orchestra.
i have asked people if there is always a song playing in their head, and a few people have told me no, sometimes there is no song. if you always have a song stuck in your head, where there is never silence, please let me know in my guestbook. thirty plus years i have believed everyone has a song stuck in their head one hundred percent of the time and that is apparently not correct. if you're like me i would love to know.
otherwise, my inner monologue is much like my outer voice, from what i can tell. i go back and forth with myself, make myself laugh, talk with my hands even without anyone around. this mostly feels singular, but i am keeping up my suspicions there is more to know about the me that is always talking to me.
well, i ended up being able to obtain my thc edibles. i had a mood shift on our way to the dispensary, which is so annoying my mood hinges on weed. very annoying. but it is what it is, i'm waiting on them to work their magic now, and i might wrap this post up. i might also keep it open for any high thoughts that come along but. prob not.