i have a crush on a twitch streamer
i have a crush on a twitch streamer. i have a desperate crush on a twitch streamer. i don't know what i want to get up and talk about on my blog this morning but i do know what my mind truly has been on ever since i developed this latest crush.
he streams an nes game from the late 80s. he is well known and loved in the community. he is a commentator and has a very silly and dorky but also formal tone and manner of speaking. he is fat with curly hair dark hair and a soft beard that shades his neck and jaw. from what i can tell he is usually streaming from his bed. one time he was talking about how he doesn't understand the phrase woke up on the wrong side of the bed, and picked up a pillow and said he has a pillow on both sides of his bed, and there is no wrong side.
i want to be by his side in his bed on his other pillow.
i haven't been chatty in his streams because of this. i know i can step back and stay friendly but i have been withdrawing. this is one hundred percent parasocial, he recognizes my username and invites me to play, which is his reaction to anyone new to the scene. not to mention all of the concrete factors of my life that are the immovable object to my affection's unstoppable force.
i just used ublock origin to block the blinking upgrade bear loll. i literally went :D once he was gone. he's cute but i can not do the blinking. my visual illusions morph into hallucinations these days
yesterday i bought a new notebook and new highlighters. my idea was it would be a to do list notebook. i am already being overly precious about it. i almost got new pens but i am choosing to write in pencil like i basically always do. i've started a new blog and bought a new notebook at the same time before, it's funny to be in this pattern again. i dont really care, i love writing so i love blogging and i love paper.
something funny about today is that we get our daylight hour back. or whatever. it's funny because the day we got married was daylight savings' in the spring, making our wedding day a 23 hour day, so in the fall we get our hour back. we have done something for it before but we have been spendy so there's no reason to suggest going on a date for it. we have to make sausages tonight or they will go bad.
tonight i run out of edibles. i have no idea if i'll obtain any more before the next time i can obtain more. i was supposed to make these stretch between big purchases but i did not make them stretch. i am hoping this blog existing helps me in between. i have nothing to focus on. there is nothing about addiction i could write that hasn't been said. the main thing is your feet are not immune to slippery ground. "other" people AND YOU are capable of becoming addicted to something stupid. now i have nothing to focus on. i will try to make an effort to focus on the hollow.
i am a little bit itching to share the hollow with others (people i know in real life specifically). i want to be able to freely write here, and when i show people what i've made it changes how i approach it. so my answer to that is to get my bricks and to get my mortar and put up another wall?? what i already have going on around the internet is already compartmentalized. my first excuse is that if everything came together that would be doxxing. but i'm simply too extremely careful about the private details of my life it really wouldn't be.
i have a hard time journaling in real life in a way that satisfies me. i like pencil to paper, i like my handwriting. but i much prefer typing, and i much prefer to have what i typed online for others to possibly see. it almost gets annoying how long it can take to write something with pencil and paper compared to typing. and the crucial ingredient for me, i've discovered, is having my work online. i do not know why. the hollow is the one millionth expression of this in my life.
a couple years ago i noticed a habit to block out my mind purposefully, and use that block to only think about one thing. i do not think that i am maladaptive daydreaming to a harmful point, but i do want to write about this habit. recently i have been doing it again, which is notable when i consider that i wasn't really doing it while i lived with my brother. while i loved with my brother, my thinking habits were more like relying on my ears ringing to tone out thoughts, and forcing myself to explore the internet and read about things, any things, as a distraction.
i'm back to daydream world, where the plots are solid, continuous, important, and most importantly satisfying. my possibly-maladaptive daydreams are always 100% sexual, i just have to say that. before, i would have them right before my work shifts. i almost felt like i needed them, like if didn't have daydreams about whatever i wanted, employment was winning. i also dropped the habit of looking at my phone, so my daydreams also one-up any app. instagram has nothing on the fun i can have inside my head and i mean that to such a large degree that even typing this sentence feels ridiculous. you have to already know instagram and other social medias or apps are boring boring boring as fuck compared to what i come up with.
i want to blog the specific plot points of my maladaptive daydreams but i am not sure if i should or can, like i said they are sexual. i have an aching desire to divulge them but the nature of them is quite literally probably best suited for fetlife. i can skirt around them topically, which is what i'll probably do and will have to do because i am bursting at the seams here. the twitch streamer i have a crush on hasn't been the only object being rotated on display in my mind microwave.